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"Please contribute to the Box O'
Liberty Fund. We'll be airlifting tax
forms, punch-card ballots and CA
driver licenses to Iraq." |
Marilyn and Jackie strike a deal.
(Now if we can just get Hillary
and Monica in the same room.)
|
.oO(No head or arms? Damn!
Some girls will do anything
to lose weight.)
|
.oO(Shocking! To think
fellatio was invented before
color photography!)
|
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"Sorta looks like a pregnant
'Nike Swish' if ya ask me."
|
"Now I may look a bit on the
pregger side, Amanda, but there's
nothing 'swishy' about me."
|
"I don't know, General. The right wig
and a little make-up and I think you
could make for a passable Shelley Winters."
|
"Don't leave me, Lestat. I could die
of consumption at any moment." / "But
mother, Domino's is at the castle gate."
|
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"That's the one thing I never could
stomach about Santa Carla...all the
damn Republican governors."
|
"C'mon back, Chrissie. It was a joke."
"No, I'm leaving, Jack. Besides, I
don't like men with weak aortas."
|
Next time on 'Scare Tactics'...
"Oh no! Your silicon implants
are trying to escape!"
|
.oO(Oh no! Yet another 'Friends' moment
when I'm doing something embarrassing
only to find everyone has silently walked
in the front door...despite 15 dead bolts.)
|
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"Of course my 'frigerator's
running. I installed the
robotic legs just last week."
|
"Babe...you...come...here...
often? What...your...sign?"
|
Now serving up pussy cats
24 hours a day.
|
"I'm sorry, God is taking a very important
call at the moment. You can wait down
in Florida if you like.
|
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Warning! Objects in mirror
are hornier than they appear.
|
*ding*dong* Avon calling!
.oO( ooo - good. Just in time.)
|
"Do you, Tiffany, take this, um,
personal massage device as your
lawful wedded husband?"
|
.oO(erg - Hulk should not
eaten that third McGriddle.)
|
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~/We're a-singin' fer nickels\~
~/We're a-singin' fer pennies\~
(I didn't think 'Sponge Bob
Square Band' would go very far.)
|
From George Orwell's prequel 1884:
"Hur-ray, hur-ray, hur-ray! Step
right up and be the first to get your handy,
dandy, super-trandy telescreen!" |
From 'Death of a Simpson'
"Let's never fight again."
|
Hey look everyone, it's the
Id(iot), the Ego(n) and the
Super Eggo.
|
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"Nice breast, Mrs. Johnson.
But I asked if Bobby could
come out to play."
|
In the beginning, there was space and there was mass.
And God separated the two.
But before there could be stars, there had to be gas.
Much later, came life-bearing goo
|
Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting
Christopher Reeve, President of
The Blue Screen Actor's Guild
|
"That's one small step for man...One giant
leap for Snap, Crackle & Pop." (At least,
that's the way I remember hearing it.)
|
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Final Fantasy: The
Michael Hutchins Story
|
KIPPAGE basking in the
glow of my superior
capping ability.
|
"I'm sorry, but the FDA won't allow the
return of Wal-Mart brand silicon implants."
"But she maxed out the VISA without telling me."
|
~/Do a little Dance,
Make a little love,
Get down tonight!\~
|
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Tonight on the Discovery Channel:
Failed Moments in Defensive History:
The Great Wall of Cardboard
|
Opening a bag of
Extreme Snacks
|
During the theatrical release, similar
'Suspension of Disbelief' devices were
given to the audience. Didn't help.
|
When botox goes bad.
|
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Hey dude, whatcha doin'?
"Oh, just hanging around."
[You know that capper's going to hell.]
|
Hey Frank...Frank Gorshwin. Star
Trek was cancelled decades ago.
You can take off the make-up now.
|
Ah, that must be the infamous
T-shirt of Turin.
|
And now a word from our sponsor,
as KITT blasts across
the Pepto-Bismol Flats.
|
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"Is that a logo in your pants
or are you just happy to see me?"
|
.oO(Why can't I find a shampoo
that works for both dandruff
aaaaand logos?)
|
Princess Leia's (ahem)...other
lost 'droid. .oO[mr.solo is not
very good at hide&seek.]
|
Two once-lovers passed at a distance.
A turn, a nod, a smiling flash of
recognition. Then the simultaneous
sour memory of the poor hamster.
|
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"Um, I'm not sure Jacko
should be categorized as
a 'white collar' criminal."
|
"But I don't hear anything." /
D'OH! That's not the way
to listen to a CD.
|
"Now, I want you to promise me, Samantha,
that you'll never use magic to change my
appearance again." / "I promise, Darren."
|
*dingdong* "Neo...I think it's for
you." (and I don't even answer the
door to Jehovah's Witness either.)
|
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Uh-oh! Marlon Brando is
collapsing into a planetoid
under his own weight.
|
"I'd say this Geiger counter is
working fine...'cept I can't find
any Geigers for it to count."
|
Watch out, Bob. That
world wide web can be
a bit tricky sometimes.
|
"Captain. We've found a Plot Hole
big enough to fly the ship through." /
"Well then, by all means...make it so."
|
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Meanwhile, on the set of
'A Klingon Orange...'
|
"So, Oprah says, "I smell
hair burning." Then I says,
"Maybe we're walkin' too fast."
|
From the Darwin Award Archive:
The altimeter from the 1967 Impala
retrofitted with a stolen JATO
|
Of all the irresponsible... Luke, you
were supposed to change your batteries
back at the end of Daylight Saving Time.
|
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"Kratchaahh-Tchooo! Sinuses
now clear of goo."
(Thus Snazed Sting)
|
As a stock boy, Sen. Robert
Byrd used to display these
three to a shelf.
|
"Whaddaya mean
the facial hair
gives it away?"
|
"Okay, I've seen enough. Time for
you to go." / "But it's hardly plumbing
repair without a little crack showing."
|
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"I use them to attract
rapists, then poke their
eyes out."
|
Post, trying to save on packaging
design, has combined these two cereals.
Look for 'Shredded Nuts' in January.
|
"Whassup?" / "Whassup?" / "Whassup?"
/ "Oh, just killing another piece
of pop culture via commercialization."
|
"Man! Should've bought me one of
these Auto-Nosepickers years ago."
(Available at The Sharper Image)
|
Baby got BACK. |
"Lucy, I'm... HOME. |
Questions? Comments? E-MAIL. |